She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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