My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
