Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
