Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i'm watching degrassi (go figure) and the episode is about jimmy not being able to get a boner and now he's famous and rapping about popping pussies..i dont get it.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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