I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
