If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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