As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
The dick lei will go down in squad history
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
