$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
