who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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