I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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