Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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