I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
