I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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