how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
