The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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