Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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