You made me cry and you don't even care
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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