that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Randomize
