I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
