My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
All I want is dick and wine.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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