I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
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