there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
