I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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