I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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