Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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