I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize