I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize