Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
