my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
