Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize