So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
