So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize