we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
