mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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