some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
