I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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