Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
