you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
