I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
