apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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