I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
