I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
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