Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I need to stop coming to work sober
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize
