i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
In other news, I just burned my penis
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
