if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
i think my cat just said my name.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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