what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
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