next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Randomize
