it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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