You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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