woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
nutella sex= disaster
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
