I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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