my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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