You don't have asthma, your pregnant
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
