What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
