I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
