I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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